Meet the girl’s Dolly. A dolly who has been well loved and who is continuing to see plenty more loving playtime in our home.

Dolly is in remarkably good shape considering she is fairly old, though still quite a lovely vintage doll. She belonged to my Sister, I believe, though I don’t remember her ever playing with this particular doll. Obviously there has been some trauma inflicted on her. Her hair at one point was far longer and since has been chopped into several rough, uneven layers, creating a ‘do which is oddly similar to Tallis’ when we don’t tie it up. When my Mom first sent her to me she had several more pen marks on her plastic body and came accessorized with a few mismatched items of clothing that likely never intended for this doll. Sine then, the ill-fitting apparel has been discarded and misplaced, leaving the starkness of her plastic body and nearly white locks in vibrant contrast with her blue-green eyes and black lashes. She really has some beautiful detailing and is a far superior toy to how other new dolls I have contemplated buying. I would love to find a similar or equal doll to this one, because now there are two, soon to be three, girls desiring playtime with this one doll. Which I have come to realize leaves me in an oddly conflicted conundrum running a bit deeper than this simple plastic toy.

Growing up, I pridefully called myself a Tomboy. That term can encompass many things, in my head it meant I loved to ride my bicycle, play outside, play street hockey with the neighboring boys and build forts in the woods. I hated fussy fluffy dresses, disdained the color Pink and disliked dolls altogether. Looking back, I could have been more extreme. I never wore combat boots, never had short hair and at least knew of the appropriate times to participate in spitting and belching (ie. not around my parents). While there was nothing terribly wrong with what I did, there is now some residual gaps in what I didn’t do. 

First off, having a daughter who loves the outdoors is not at odds with femininity. I highly encourage my girls to be skilled at a broad number of things, such as building campfires, using power tools, being athletic, basic car mechanics and surviving in the wilderness- all things I appreciate having the abilities to do. Heck I will probably even teach them to huck loogies, too. I just don’t want to press my girls into the Tomboy mold because that is where my familiarity lies or do them a disservice by not adequately fostering their preferences. I am quite taken back at how girly Araiya especially has become. That obviously comes from within her as I have done nothing to encourage nor discourage her exposure to girly things (though I do draw the line at frills and lace and Disney Princesses). But what I feel I am lacking in my experiences are those girly things I so vehemently rejected in my youth, things I have come to realize I missed out on at least learning because I wasn’t exposed to as a regular part of life as a woman. Things like wearing makeup, skincare, haircare, jewelry, clothing.

Not only did I self inflict my un-femininity, it was reinforced as I simply strove to live up to the expectation of non-girlyness because I was never wisely instructed on how to do otherwise, just left to and signed off on the Tomboy-ish track as just ‘who I was’. Later, as my perceptions of what other’s thought developed, it became more self-justifying to reject those external signs of being a girl yet inside made me all the more self-conscientious that I couldn’t live up to the other expectation of being feminine because I wasn’t built like a china doll or had feminine enough clothes. I remember being made fun of for trying to put on make-up at a Birthday Party and did it ‘wrong’. I remember being made fun of for the kind of clothing I wore. I remember feeling left out and rejected because I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs or get my ears pierced. Still, to this day, I struggle with doing my hair. I just threw away every last bit of the make-up I own because it is all nearly 15 years old and I got a sty in my eye the last two times I have attempted to spruce up to go on a date with my husband. So now I am at a disadvantage on wisely and gently bringing up my girls to be well-rounded and diverse in the things they can do, especially in caring for themselves. I fear reinforcing the failure in omission that was put on me as a girl and young woman in not teaching my daughters how to do things like building forts and doing their hair and makeup. I think that simple things like encouraging them to be comfortable with their looks and shape, complimenting them when they look good, ensuring they have attractive and complementing clothing and teaching them to love the lovely will all abound in aiding their confidence in their other skills and abilities. I was insecure in the things I did because I was insecure in how I was perceived. I don’t want that for my girls, so I feel that I am at a loss when it comes to the fact I don’t know how to adequately care for myself so how can I teach that to my daughters? I want them coming to me for makeup advice because they know I have the skill and know-how, just like I would hope they would come to me to ask how to tie rock climbing knots because they know I know that too. I think I had better learn how, and quick.

This Doll and I have actually a lot in common. We have a history that has left some residual marks on us which are less than desirable, yet are still seen as lovely, though that can often be easily overlooked. We have been left inadequately equipped and are in need of some simple remedies to aid us in covering up what has been lacking. So I spent some time this morning making a new outfit for this little Dolly. One that fits better and suits the style of gal she is. I think it enhances her loveliness and delicate vintage look, though have yet to take a picture of her to show, so you will have to take my word for it. She now is adorned in tailored stripped purple and white pants with a simple, yet stylish white blouse tank top and is ready for more playtime and tea parties and make-believe. Of course, Araiya immediately requested that I make her Dolly a dress. A pink dress.