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Trike Riding

This past week has been a very difficult one for us. I the shortest terminology, it sucked.

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Circumstances and struggles I really don’t feel like talking about here on this blog. Not that I want to teast and then not share, but that it’s simply too much and too involved to dump on here. Blogging, while a form of expression and sharing, is also a form of self-editing and selective communication. A symptom of these issues and our situation, and an interim time which will pass, I don’t feel needs to be divulged in full capacity simply because it shifts the purpose and scope of what I want this space to be to something I don’t find particularly edifying. I’d rather use this blog to focus my mind elsewhere, away from some of the life things happening which we can’t control and which are not really about me. Boasting is the response of pride to success. Self-pity is the response of pride to failure. Neither of those do I want to become a part of what I write here.

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But I am surely thrown off course, to which the waiting for answers remains labored life during this period of limbo. Thrown off to the point that even when we had a really big, really fun BBQ this weekend or went to the Central Library Downtown yesterday, I didn’t even pick up the camera. I know there’s no doubt life will right itself eventually, or at least my perspective will adjust as I’ll figure out how to reconstruct my days. But I wonder, and am a bit sad to know that likely it will never be the same in the way my outlook projects in light of the gaping hole that has been left behind. While as adults, we’re both struggling with our knowledge of the world’s ups and downs, it’s consoling to know how uneffected the kids can be as they continue on in the day-to-day.

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It’s in all honesty a wonderful distraction from everything going on to know they, because of their age, will never remember this big speed bump along the road of life. Or at least I pray the effects make little waves on the perception of their budding lives in the big picutre of things. God’s sovierenty and protection will write this into mine and their bigger story and shaping of them in the best way that only He can do, in so much that what trails are used for refinement of of humble ones for whom He will be strong. And that gives me something to focus on other than worry, trying to control, and the many conversations going on.

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This season won’t cease to be busy with the everyday kid stuff. I am looking to fill our time with fun summer activities. I really can’t believe Pia will turn One in a little more than a month. Time marches on; there is still plenty to give our attention to. Just because we are faced with struggle doesn’t mean we stop seeking enjoyment. For now, simply playing in the yard has been amazing. The girls end each day just filthy- covered in dirt, food, paint, whatever we’ve played with. It’s been awesome. I picked up a bunch of books from the library yesterday on gardening, farming, art and phonics to integrate much of what we plan to do over the next few weeks into helping the girls learn more about the world around them. Araiya has been sucking it in, can’t get enough learning about how things grow and how to care for our garden. She is so excited to see the changes and the growth from the work we have done back there. I am envious how immune she is to the toil involved- it’s all fun and games to her. Or maybe I just focus too much on the toil to fully reap the benefits of the struggles. I think though for now I am fine just making sure I continue to push down on the pedals and keep the wheels turning.

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Regardless, we have a few very hard months ahead of us, wandering into the unknown amid confusion and frustration, so I suspect I will be very inward focused. The importance of protecting and cultivating our little family at this time is poignantly more important then ever, but always in light of the integral part of a larger network and family we’ve been grafted into. It would be far too easy to loose sight of when ‘inward focused’ becomes isolation and us hiding. For that I am thankful this blog continues to spur me on to take a hard look at and show what, how and why we are doing.

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