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Somebody’s 4

Even crazier than the Baby turning 1 last week- Araiya’s Fourth Birthday is today.

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How did the time fly? How can she possibly already be 4??!



Exactly 4 years ago, exhausted from more than 2 days of labor, we were signing the paperwork to proceed with the C-section. I can still feel the waves of anxiety, fear, fighting, anger and resentment in making that decision, feeling like we were backed into a corner and forced into a choice we didn’t want to make. How I wrestled with the guilt of failure, that we were doing something wrong. Being wheeled in and prepped I kept thinking over and over, ‘I’m sorry, baby’. How shortsighted. How wrapped up I was in those moments of my own ideals, my own control and self righteousness. I couldn’t see beyond myself, beyond that moment of trying so hard to reject a C-section. Couldn’t see that regardless of the circumstances, there was God’s gentle hand controlling it all. Ultimately what it came down to, why I felt I was drowning in the waves of trial, was my utter lack of trust in God and utter false control in myself. 52 hours of labor, exhaustion, pain- and I still wanted to be right and create my own self-actualized outcome, thinking I knew what was ultimately best. I do not. Looking back all I hear is His gentle voice, don’t you know I had a plan, a plan for you to trust me, that is far better? I know I wouldn’t have been saved from that trial, from the 52 hours of labor, but I would have seen through it Jesus’ righteousness, and not my own, and how I wish I would have trusted that God brings trials for the purpose of refinement and reliance on him, to strip away the idols we hold so tightly to. How I see that now, and celebrate in how God used that time to expose my heart, how I am now so filled with the joy that he used that trial to teach me, mold me. Not only that, but he provided the double joy of not only working out my salvation through labor, but infinitely more providing opportunities of working out salvation by means of raising my daughter. By giving me trials, by making me a parent and overflowing with love for this little girl, I better understand how Abba God has shown me so profoundly who he is. He gives good things- struggles he provides for our betterment are good; my daughter is so, so good.

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Happy Birthday, ‘Riya!

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