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Glimpses

The saying goes, absence makes the heart grow stronger. Does it? Have you missed me? I have. When I hit the two year mark blogging at what was g.design journal, I unofficially made the goal to blog every-other day, minus weekends. For the better part of the year I did just about that, and it really drove up the readership. But then the whole redesign happened, the URL changed, there was a long lag as we worked to launch the new rendition of Matalie. Numbers have never really mattered, it has been, still is, the driving purpose of this blog to catalog our life with the girls. There have been many suggestions to print this blog up into a book. Hands down this is a great idea I plan on doing, only it lands in the one day category. One day, when I am no longer adding to the stream of posts. Because who wants a book that doesn’t end? I already print up a book of all my photographs of the girls each year, cataloging the annual passage of time, perhaps I need to just add the writing too. Many have expressed they like the writing. Surprising, as I perceive myself to being focused less on the words and more on the imagery. But I guess it comes as a whole package, right? I’ve always been a prolific reader and an okay writer, excelling more in the realm of expository essays and philosophical argumentation (our thesis book in college was 327 pages if that gives any indication). This blog has been the far extreme from that, for sure. It’s a place with little pressure, no expectations and thus far, very little feedback. Therefore I can ramble…

But really, what’s changed? I am struggling to post here even once a week. Sure there are the excuses of being busy, far less computer time since Matt has been transitioning into a new work position where I get a few precious handful of hours to get all the ‘putering in that I need to do and the ever-increasing job parenting/mothering/wifehood becomes. I read the other day that people encounter some life-hiccup disturbance they must adjust to every 6 months. If I were really honest, I think we have experienced far more frequency than that. No wonder I feel any plans I have laid on my own are tossed into ruin just as I solidify them. Things change. We must adapt. I think I have been in adaption mode so constantly, I came to a point where I’ve been idolizing the fanatical notion of consistency. I just want something to remain constant. That only further exposes the control I’d foolishly like to have over things which can quite obviously not be controlled. I’ll admit my plate can be pretty big and over time I’ve become far better at portion control, especially those type of things that are gooey greens- good to eat but not much fun to choke down. Blogging has in the past been something I’ve done pretty darn well with keeping on my plate. I’ve often been asked how I find time for it. Or photography. Or Twitter. Or skiing. While I’ve tried contemplating the how behind those questions for quite some time, I don’t have an answer. Mostly I think ‘how’ is the wrong question. ‘Why’ is the real question, it exposes the motivation behind one’s choice to allocate precious time and effort to those categories. I can say I have learned what a constant re-evaluation those things require. That falls into the ‘plans laid’ realm.

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The older I get the more I realize the need for self-evaluation and prioritizing. Prioritizing has been a big theme in life over the past year. Perhaps the reason blogging has suffered some neglect is because it is rightfully in it’s place on our priority list. Perhaps I further need to spend some time re-evaluating why it has tumbled so low. Because this is something I really enjoy. Honestly, I should have the time to devote to this personal outlet. The desire is there; the execution is not. I am far to easily distracted. Not to mention, the less frequently I post the longer they tend to get. This process of photo edit to upload to write to publish was at one point a 1/2 hour exercise. I’d love to move towards getting back into the rhythm of that discipline. This post will put me 3 posts short of reaching the 500th post. This January I will mark blogging consistently for 3 years. To put it in perspective, at 2 years, I had nearly reached 400 posts. That means in roughly 10 months I have fallen just short of writing 100 posts, or 10 a month, which is nearly half the average I was doing in 2008. I’m sure you could split the hair finer if you took out all posts that are less than one paragraph (or worse yet, one line, which is now taken up by the nearly 1500 tweets I have logged over on Twitter). You could also take out the posts that don’t have pictures because now they almost all have BIG imagery, which adds the weight of shoot-edit-upload into the time it takes to compile a post.

Though what’s the point in longing for things to be the way they were? That’s akin to longing for the glory days of High School. Have you ever wondered why in the Wizard of Oz that Dorothy, upon discovering the amazing new world of color, wanted so bad to escape it in order to return to her old way of life? Perhaps it’s the lure of overwhelming comfort with what we know, when we understood and ruled our world, that cinema idolizes. Of course in the face of constant onslaught of change, the allure of familiar comfort logically has appeal, though far more than it ought. Because reality is, things change. We move forward. We are changed in the process and therefore can’t really return. Who, even if given the option, really would want to? It’s so apparent to me how we are all in such bondage, even when freed we so easily return to that slavery. But for open eyes, to taste the beauty of the age to come, then the diamonds of this world would be revealed for what they indeed are- lumps of coal. The entertainments of this world are empty, the moral causes too small because their view is too short sighted.

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Therefore, it comes full circle to motive. I seek the desire of my heart to be for one thing, longing earnestly and intensely on the future prospect of sharing the glory of God, of seeing the risen Lord, being ultimately free from darkness and sickness, living in joy- with deep longing and strong confidence I set my heart on these things so therefore the trials this life throw are minute in scale. No wonder, when we see only that which we face directly before us, we are bonded to things like self-centeredness, paralyzing regret, self-pity, fear, greed, bitterness, despair, laziness, envy, impatience, control, pride, just to name a few. The biggest lie we have believed is that we can be independently wise, the promise was autonomous personal wisdom, without any need for God’s revelation. This false promise holds out the lie there is a different path to wisdom, that people can discern life on their own, take it in their own hands, rely on their own ability to think, interpret, understand and apply. Anyone who’s lived long enough to fail, get in trouble, make a mistake or gotten hurt has realized there’s fallibility at the core of this very notion. We can only wish there exists a man behind the curtain who will give us everything we think we want. Yet this continues to be the cruelest and most attractive of lies we keep buying again and again- autonomy and self-sufficiency- that somehow, someway we have always had something with us that can make our reality come true, a pseudo-click of the heels, which rectifies everything better while remaining still completely on our own. We are offered wisdom that does not need to bow the knee to God, and we keep biting the apple again and again.

I say this entirely for myself. For the patterns I remain stuck in banging my head over and over trying to have my way, control my way out of situational heat, stubbornly digging my heals into defensiveness within relationships. The core of foolishness is ignorance and arrogance and those terms to often define me whether I’d like to admit it or not. It’s not that I don’t know enough, it’s that I have my sights to low and I’m not filtering the priorities, actions and what I am allowing on my plate through the lens of the revealed word of God. So within that I seriously need to revisit what motivates me to blog, it’s purposes, and glimpse into how I need to yield to adaption I am being called to so I can continually reaffirm truth instead of being merely content or discouraged with conditioned bonds for tainted reasons.

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As an aside, I found these adorable Ruby Red Slippers for Tallis at Goodwill for $2. They are a bit big and already showing some wear where the toes are dragging, but Tallis loves them. Not to mention she looks utterly adorable in them!

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