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The days where I want to curl up with a pint of ice cream

Burning the candle at both ends has caught up with us. I knew it would. Doesn’t it always? This week has been one of recovery. Time to slow down. Pia & Tallis have been sickies, a bit low with hacking coughs, running noses and fevers. I like the change of pace a few days like that brings. But just a few days, because too many can be too much. Until it brings it’s own crazies. The stir crazies. Or the we’re totally out of diapers so I stuff some extra inserts into training pants while I run diaper laundry kind of crazies. Or the how come we have no wine left in the house crazies. Or the power issues the USB hub and/or external hard drive casing power issues so I can’t mount either of my external drives that drive you into crazies. OR — I could go on. So it seems that whenever we get a chance to come up for air, the next wave is close at hand to plunge us back under again. Do you feel that?

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Life always has something else coming, something else pressing. I’ve come to realize there are two ways of looking at those prospects. Option One, do life begrudgingly. Yup, that’s me. Begrudgingly doing the dishes. Begrudgingly sweeping up microns of Goldfish the girls decided to do a tap dance on in the kitchen. The very definition is “to give, admit, or allow unwillingly or with a bad grace.” Bad Grace. That hits the nail on the head. Sure I do these things, I’m pretty good at buckling down and gettin’ her done. Out of sheer obligation. With Bad Grace. This past week has really shown me that whatever the circumstances, whatever my feelings that these things will never change, they do not define me. These things will never change is just a big ‘ol pile of lies. Because they won’t change. That next wave is still barreling full steam ahead. But I can change. I can be changed. Option Two is to be the recipient of Grace. My identity is that I am still God’s daughter, I am still loved, and there is absolutely nothing that will ever change that. God knows my struggles. Not only that, but I have to contend with the fact that he not only knows them, but he allows them. Not because he can’t do anything about them, or worse, spitefully smites me with them. What kind of god would that be, anyways? He allows them because in his immense goodness and outpouring of grace towards me, is showing me my immense need for him in every moment, both struggle and joy.

These are the days that so poignantly demonstrate that without him, I am nothing. That truth drives my desire to be watered of God every moment. To muddle around in the distraction of how stinkin’ much it sucks that I have to do X is such a stinkin’ waste of the multitudes of opportunities we are given to step out of our Bad Grace and into his unending Grace. Sure it still sucks, sure I don’t like it. But it shows such little faith on my part when I grumble in my obedience or pridefully think I don’t need to be inviting him into the mundane toil of my days. Because it doesn’t matter what that wave is, God sends it our way so that through it we can be given the opportunity of trusting him, daily growing in grace, increasing in strength, in the knowledge and love of God. Anything other than that is a complete waste, we will remain so unsatisfied, too easily become bitter and allow the circumstances of our life to become our identity.

So, I find I am more especially needful at this time. I plunge back down now into the reality of what’s being thrown my way. Most specifically, I have a wedding to shoot tomorrow. The B&G have not responded to me regarding important details of when/where and we don’t have childcare lined up for tomorrow. It would be easy to beat myself up with what more I could have done to prevent this 9th hour freak out, to blame their flakiness, blame my pushing this business further than my family should be handling. So right now I’m taking a deep breath. I’m reminding myself it’s okay to realize the perils I face are uncertain, but I’m okay being securely vulnerable putting my whole self in utter trust of Jesus’ steadfast outpouring of grace onto my life.

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