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Weekending

Gooey eyes. Sinus Infection. Photography workshop postponed. In-Law’s in town. Camping in the backyard. Power-washed deck. More digestion issues. Toddler Soccer classes. Purging junk. Trips to Goodwill. A funeral. A baby shower. Awaiting labor to shoot a birth. BBQ’s. Photo print orders for Father’s Day. In-house date nights. Sun. Rain. Warm. Cold.

I don’t know what it is about getting sick that just throws things so off. I’m on my way to feeling almost normal again. Whatever normal is. I’d like to think we are finally emerging, on a few different levels, from a season of low light. It’s not so much the ‘stuffs’ that’s been happening, or the change of seasons we Pacific North-westerners depend so much on for basic sanity. Though I can say that this has been a pretty crappy year and a pretty crappy few weeks so far in many respects. I don’t recall ever wading through such debilitating daily turmoil, being so keenly aware of what has been lacking. Not so much the crappy stuff that has been done (there’s plenty of that), either by me or against me, but the omissions of stuff that should have been done. That stuff has been leaving me emotionally wrecked. I’d like to think we will be turning a corner here sometime, finally.

This is a reminder that when the friction increases, is likely a good time to work on your life and not just put my head down, grit my teeth and keep trudging through it. Life has a way keeping you on your toes when you start getting comfortable. After some not so good news at the end of last week, watching grace at the core of grief, I’m left feeling there need to be some big fundamental changes in store. Often tragedy & suffering serves the purpose of forcing perspective upon you, stripping away the things that don’t matter much but you have made into an insurmountable mountain. I’d much rather have my will renewed and things I grip to strongly to taken away than continue to live with those things that over time just leave me dissatisfied. I’d much rather have to recant and retract back along my path of folly than continue down to somewhere that the journey is not worth it. It’s dust. And I cling to it.

In some areas, surely it seems like starting over. Or giving up on somethings we had so strongly wanted. Now I see that those are good. We’ve been coasting along for quite some time, not making much headway on certain things. It’s time to be reoriented.

But I feel pressured to come up with a plan and future goals. To have it all figured out. But I don’t. I know sometimes you have to trust so far beyond yourself, you need to close your eyes, take a deep breath, dive right in.

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