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Last day

Today is the last day of my treatment. Later today I have to give myself my last injection. That means I have completed 48 days of this treatment- 7 weeks of eating an incredibly restricted diet, weighing my food, swallowing a mouthful of pills twice a day, drinking 1.5 liters of water each day, and poking myself in the bum at 4:45 each afternoon. Honestly, there have been parts of it that are easier than others. The parts I thought would be difficult, namely giving myself a shot, were not as hard as I thought. I struggled the most with the food. It was incredibly hard to watch my family eat, see them splurge on treats, try to make cookies with the girls without eating the dough, smell Matt frying up homemade Tortilla chips, go out to dinner and not be able to have a glass of wine. I have realized very quickly how much of a glutton I am when it comes to having little self control over what and how I consume. Often I would catch myself, completely without thinking, shoving something in my mouth. Crackers, bread, ‘tastes’ of sweets, grabbing a bit of something as I walk through the kitchen, finishing up what the girls have left over. The exposure of the instinctual, automatic feeding myself has actually been quite shocking. The reality that I can’t, moreso shouldn’t, live under the guise that I can eat whatever I want, or worse, that a little bit of this or that is okay. “Moderation” and “Occasionally” in all honesty have become deceivers, because really they are far to frequent & indulgent to be classified as such. After about 3 weeks into this, praising myself at my discipline, it became incredibly hard to resist the temptation to cheat, even just a bit. Too easy to convince myself a little bit wouldn’t matter. But that is exactly how the pattern and behavior which I had (and apparently continue to struggle with) becomes the norm. When those little bits become so frequent and nonchalant, that they do matter. I don’t say this because I desire to be a complete control freak, obsessed with a set-in-stone religious list of ‘Do’s’ and ‘Don’t's’ when it comes to food. I don’t want to swing the pendulum to the either extreme, but I am incredibly convicted how my laxadasical attitude towards stewarding my diet is NOT a path I should continue on.

It has been like night at day, being on this diet & detox. I feel SO MUCH BETTER. My indigestion, assumed food sensitivities, fatigue, lack of energy, hormonal crap, headaches- GONE. I feel physically better than I have in years. All of the side effects of my past 4 years of pregnancy & physical demands of young children are no longer hindrances or excuses. One of the benefits I didn’t expect to be so stoked about was the weight loss. I guess I had also thought that I could afford to loose a few pounds, that I had categorized getting rid of that presumed last bit of pregnancy weight was in the ‘someday’ category. I didn’t realize that those ‘few pounds’ has turned out to be 22. And that honestly I could afford to shed a bit more of the fluff I still have hanging on there. I have a waist again. I fit into pants I wore in High School, specifically three pairs I had been hanging onto as a wishful, seemingly unattainable goal to get back into. I have emptied my drawers of stuff that is simply too big and now actually fit well into stuff which previously had been rather unflattering. Along with cutting off my hair, partially by a hairdresser’s mistake, I inadvertently have ended up with a completely new look, the only time in my life I have every so drastically (I guess) reinvented myself. Again, I am not obsessed with loosing weight, it has been quite surprising to discover exactly how much all that extra was effecting me, both physically and mentally. My BMI dropped from 29 to 24; I’d actually like it to be more in the 21-23 range, so that remainder is coming off the good old fashion way- exercise. Now I’m much more motivated to stay healthy and continue on this trajectory, but painfully aware of exactly how difficult it will be. I guess I fear that I’ll let it go again, ending up back where I was in the Spring and waste all this difficulty and toil it has been to get my body back to a healthy state.

Therefore, I know at this point in time, after struggling through this in near isolation (I’ve found I am a social eater- it’s really hard to go to a party and stare down at plain, grilled chicken, a stack of sliced cucumbers & half a grapefruit and not feel excluded), that accountability & time/meal/exercise scheduling is increasingly important. It’s hard to stay on the train alone; the urge to cheat or hop off for a bit is too easy when no one is watching. I also found that being forced to log everything- from water consumption, to what combinations of food I ate, missing taking my supplements, to my daily weigh, has made me very aware, nearly instantly, how the deviations affected they way I felt & the rate of weight loss. If I didn’t drink enough water or if I didn’t eat all of what I was supposed to or if I cheated and ate a glob of cookie dough- yup, it would all show up when I was forced to write stuff down. I have found a few iPhone app’s which will be awesome from here on out to track food & exercise. Go technology, for making things easier. But the reality is that it isn’t easy, it won’t ever be easy. It takes commitment, goals, milestones, victories & failures. I am certain that this has been a truly changing experience in rewriting what ‘normal’ will be in the future.

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