Color. Depth. Dimension. Richness.
Swoon.

This is a Contax 645 AF Medium Format FILM camera. It shoots FILM. Remember that stuff? This Film is 3 times the area of regular 35mm film and this camera body is roughly about the same bulk as my entire head.

I’ve carried this bad boy around for an extended weekend shooting several rolls of test film & have elicited many a comment from nearly everyone I’ve encountered. What it comes down to is they’re curious, they have nearly no idea what they are looking at beyond the fact that that is a really big camera. It’s taken a bit of explaining, which is awesome. I think there’s been a conditioning that’s taken place over the past 10 years or so. People have become so used to the IMMEDIACY of digital imagery, and the EASE of use, which is great and that’s okay and I completely understand. However, when I REALLY think about how *I* shoot , how *I* make imagery, what *I* want my photographs to speak about, to exemplify - does it really matter to me whether *I* use film - or a DSLR - or whatever? Yes, yes it does. In the past 5 or so months I have become more and more convinced I have not been true to myself, that I have failed to cultivate myself as an artist and that the medium I am truly in love with that I have mistakenly moved too far away from. I can- and will continue to- take thousands of digital images simply because of the immediacy & efficiency of it. Honestly, the camera & system is of trivial notion, I can make a good image on nearly any piece of equipment (some of my favorite images are taken with a $30 Holga toy camera that has a PLASTIC lens). But what it comes down to is that when I compare my digital images to my film ones, or even sit and edit through my digital work– well, honestly, it’s been leaving me a bit flat. It just is becoming more and more lackluster in comparison, I can’t really explain it more than that. With film, I love the whole process. The control and the quality. The depth I get from prints and that tactile quality of holding something real in my hands. I miss film.

It took me a while to really convince Matt I should scrap everything I have been working towards in order to rebuild my entire photography business shy of 2 years into starting it up from nothing & becoming a 100% film shooter professionally. The big impetus was deciding I would be putting most of the money I had saved up for a digital gear upgrade into an entirely different system, plus a basement fridge full of stockpiled film & overhead for developing costs. I came to him with a long list of reasoning, business financial models of how film wouldn’t be any more expensive (it will actually save me a lot of time- time I get to be with my family opposed to ‘working’), how it fits more of my vision & branding, and all the general Because’s behind why I wanted to ditch digital and move in a completely different direction. ‘Because I want to’ apparently isn’t the most convincing reason.

Because a few well planned & composed images will always out do hundreds of crappy ones; Because if I scan a 6×4.5 negative at 4800 dpi I will get the equivalent of about 128.6 megapixels from it & there is no kind of digital camera that can even come anywhere close to that kind of resolution; Because I want to say- ‘Do you smell that? It’s film, son. Nothin’ else in the world smells like that’ I love the smell of film; Because its a different mind-set to digital which forces you to think more; Because there is something about the colors, the texture, the dimensionality that no digital camera can come close to; Because my whole mindset as an artist, not merely a camera operator, is rooted in film, it’s how I see, think & feel with a camera in my hands & I simply know I understand it better; Because I know how to; Because Film renders better highlights & shadow details, unlike digital that simply blows out highlights & looses information in the dark areas; Because there is a much larger & far more affordable Used market for film cameras, so I can get an entire system of the top Medium Format camera for the same price as a mid-level digital body, not to mention all the cool ‘archaic’ different format cameras available for mere pennies; Because a good photograph will make you look, while a great photograph will make you feel; Because thinking & dreaming about taking pictures with film is what often keeps me up at night, too excited to fall asleep; Because I’ve decided I’m going to shoot film probably until either FILM or I croaks.

So here I am at square one. Again. It’s really less of a big deal than it may seem. I’m grateful I have the freedom to hone my artistry and move in a direction I am really passionate about. I’ll spend the summer shooting both film & digital before launching a new website & branding with a new body of work as a 100% film shooter and continue shooting digital for personal family stuff & this blog. It’ll be great.

Daring Dylan

1 shot Tequila
4oz Mexican Hot Chocolate*, room temperature
Cocoa Powder
squirt of lime
Cinnamon
crushed ice

Pour Tequila & Hot Chocolate over ice in a shaker. Strain into Martini glass rimmed with Cocoa Powder. Finish with a squirt of lime & dusting of Cinnamon.

* Mexican Hot Chocolate is Milk, Sugar, Cocoa, a 1/4 tea Cinnamon and a dash of Red Chili Pepper Powder.

“This is when God came to rescue us by dying on a cross,” she began. I got chills. “Go on, I want to hear more.” I told her. “This is Jesus on the cross. These are the women & Mary crying because they don’t understand why Jesus is going to die, they don’t know that Jesus is saving the whole world. And these are the soldiers. And these are the other bad guys who were captured too and Jesus forgave one of them.”

“And what about this drawing on the back?” I ask. “This is God’s Kingdom coming down from heaven.” She explains, pointing to each part, “These are all the flags for the celebration. This is me, and Tallis and you, we are all singing and happy because Jesus has rescued the whole world. It’s a big party. Like a wedding.”

And that got me thinking that sometimes we need to come back to basics and see the beauty of the gospel afresh, much like Araiya does through her drawings and play and songs. And it’s awesome! At the most simplest, the kingdom of God is the final end result of God’s mission of history to rescue and regenerate His sin-marred, chaos-strewn, corrupted and dying creation. It’s about the process God has set out on to re-establish Jesus our king. It’s all about what he has done, is doing, and will do to remind us & invite us into his lordship over all creation, defeating the corruption we have brought by trying to run things our own way, bringing order to all, enacting justice, and being worshiped. Araiya’s whole story she has illustrated in her drawing is one core truth in understanding of the Gospel: “That unless you become like a little child you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Mark 10:13) You can take this even further, “Unless you become like a little girl, the little girl you currently are or once were, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven.” I just love that! Isn’t that just the kick in the pants we need–all of us proud, arrogant, comfortable, educated past our intelligence kind of grown-up people?

The simplicity of the Gospel is epitomized on the cross. There- the love of God, His never-stopping, never giving up love and desire for our salvation, the utter crux of all humanity and history, at this time & place, poured out before the eyes of people. Because it was for the JOY set before Jesus, the JOY he knew would come after the pain and death and separation from God- something we experience every day but have become so immune to we hardly feel it- JOY that through this one, singular act his children would be able to run to his arms without distance, without hindrance. But Araiya knows the story doesn’t end there. She knows too what is to come. She knows Jesus dying on the cross is what will allow us the biggest party ever. Where there will be no more sadness, no more disease, no more suffering, no more death, no more destruction. She is grasping the fullness of the Gospel. Jesus dying isn’t the whole picture. Jesus dying, rising and coming back in victory & celebration is. Simple understanding. Simple trusting. Like a child who jumps off the couch into her father’s arms because she utterly trusts his father to catch him. That’s what embracing the Gospel looks like. No holding back, complete, childlike trust. Salvation is as simple as receiving a gift - nothing can be done to earn it or to pay it back, simply receive it. While Jesus died we did nothing. It was God’s will to deal with our rebellion so that he could save us, not by our own means, merits or efforts. Jesus rose, alone, in the dark of a cold, stone tomb. No one was there to witness that explicit moment when the newness of life took over his beaten & broken body. Just a miracle, the greatest Peripety of all time, attributed only to God’s doing. Jesus paid the debt we could never pay for our sin. Salvation is simply receiving his work already completed on our behalf and His free gift of salvation. Grace is unmerited favor that’s offered to us because, and only because, of what Jesus has done. And then there’s gonna be a party like no one’s ever seen.

But how easy is it for us grown-ups to forget, or ignore, or minimize, to explain it all away. In and out of a church, the theology covers it over, the philosophy takes away the raw pain and power of it. The selfishness that stops us from responding to it. The transformation that will be lacking in the false truths we construe. But even Paul was convicted to want to know nothing and preach nothing but Christ and Him crucified. Not the ecclesial politics of the people he wrote to, not his own internal pain nor old nature of desire for self-justification–but the crucified Christ alone. Dig a little deeper and see had to ‘determine’ (Gk. krino) to do this. It didn’t come easily, it didn’t come naturally, as it doesn’t to us. The Greek word Krino is commonly translated ‘to judge’. Paul had to weigh it all up, measure, debate, consider and consciously decide to want focus on nothing but the crucified Christ seeking what Araiya is young enough to still naturally possess- “simplicity of heart” — the untainted understanding of Christ and his cross. We have complicated it and made it into something Jesus never intended. We have used too complicated of metaphors; we have employed too complex imagery; we have obscured God’s gospel & kingdom even from ourselves.

“Tragically, there are many erroneous views of the kingdom that misrepresent the glories of God’s eternal kingdom. The kingdom is not like the cartoonish inanity that shows heaven as a white cloud upon which we will sit wearing diapers and playing harps with wings far too small to carry us anywhere fun.

The kingdom is not the naive dream of liberalism, that with more education and time sin and its effects will be so eradicated from the earth that utopia will dawn. The kingdom is not the deceptive dream of Christless spirituality where all learn to nurture the spark of divinity within themselves and live out their true good self in harmony. The kingdom is not the political dream that if we simply get the right leaders in office and defeat all the bad guys good will rule the earth.

The kingdom is both a journey and a destination, both a rescue operation in this broken world and a perfect outcome in the new earth to come, both already started and not yet finished.”        [Excerpt from Mark Driscoll's book Doctrine]

Every night we read a chapter from the Jesus Storybook Bible. We are on our 3 time reading through the book cover to cover. The book is now well worn (or rather, abused I should say), as the pages are torn and taped back together, the binding is busted from being dropped too many times. I absolutely love the language in this book, how each story is woven back to Jesus, pointing to who he is and what he has done. I love how it presents the core of the gospel in such a simple, yet incredibly rich way that illuminate the gospel even to me in new refreshing ways. Our girls love it. Not only is it amazing to experience what they are learning from it, it’s so exciting to see how Araiya in particular reiterates the truths she is gaining more and more understanding in through the different mediums she encounters. She is gathering up these concepts then from them creating new and more complex ways of retelling them. Today these drawings of hers are blowing me away (even to the point of laughter that we will soon have to have the post-trib vs. pre-trib talk because she has drawn flying people in her end times rendition). If you don’t already know, drawing is really big in our house and usually it involves princesses. However, even in a media-saturated world these girls are growing into, the irreplaceable raw medium of reading and sketching is having far more an impact even on an almost 5 year old girl, as I revel in seeing Araiya’s amazing rendition of the Gospel in Red Pen. I, for one, am inspired.

Some people think the Bible is a book of rules, telling you what you should and shouldn’t do. The Bible certainly does have some rules in it. They show you how life works best. But the Bible isn’t mainly about you and what you should be doing. It’s about God and what he has done.

Other people think the Bible is a book of heroes, showing you people you should copy. The Bible does have some heroes in it, but (as you’ll soon find out) most of the people in the Bible aren’t heroes at all. They make some big mistakes (sometimes on purpose). They get afraid and run away. At times they are downright mean.

No, the Bible isn’t a book of rules, or a book of heroes. The Bible is most of all a Story. It’s an adventure story about a young Hero who comes from a far country to win back his lost treasure. It’s a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace, his throne — everything— to rescue the one he loves. It’s like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life!

You see, the best thing about this Story is — it’s true.

It takes the whole Bible to tell this Story. And at the center of the Story, there is a baby. Every Story in the Bible whispers his name. He is like the missing piece in a puzzle — the piece that makes all the other pieces fit together, and suddenly you can see a beautiful picture.

There are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves his children and comes to rescue them.
[Expert from the Introduction of the Jesus Storybook Bible]

Sure, there are many who tear into this approach of child-like simplicity as intellectual suicide. They hear a passage about Jesus telling grown men, seasoned fisherman no less, their faith needs to be like that of little children. Perhaps this idea taken out of context is a prima facie proof that Christianity is childish. Though I beg to wonder if those who would come to that conclusion even have children or have ever spent any actual time around them. I myself since becoming a parent have continually revised my sentimentalist or hyper-intellectual interpretation of what ‘do not hinder the little children’ really implies. Sure, kids are soft and cute and sweet for all of 3 seconds here and there. Surely I relish those times, because the rest of the time they are unrelentingly careening off walls, risking us getting a noise violation, fighting over who gets which dolly, heckling adults, harassing me with an endless barrage of unanswerable questions, chasing each other around the house, having an insatiable curiosity and create a perpetual mess. If that is the kind of children Jesus is endeared towards, then there is no way we can desisting learning from ideals and more about learning from reality, that this is not talking about innocence distilled here. It is not Pansy Jesus with a perm and soft focus filter gathering a calm circle of angelic children & resting his perfectly manicured hand on their heads one by one. Are you still wondering why culturally we have such a skewed view of Christianity? Because the reality is (or at least how biblically speaking I envision it) a picture of a bunch of kids with dirty faces & snot jumping on the shoulders of a tan carpenter, tumbling about in joyously brutal frolicking and loud jovial excitement as Jesus grinned from ear to ear. I picture it much like how my girls react when their Daddy arrives home. In these moments my girls inspire me with their amazingly uninhibited simple understanding of the Gospel, both in deed, word and drawing. In light of that, I too have to realign my own view of what coming to my Abba Daddy looks like as well.

Don’t get me wrong, I can be just as pessimistic and self deprecating as the next person. But for serious? Summer like just got here. We should be throwing the windows open and shouting Hallelujah! Thus, this sort of Seattle-esque existentialism solely focuses on the part of the philosophy that allows people to feel sorry for themselves in the midst of their malaise. I know, it’s a difficult term to define and an odd movement. The more I think about it, Seattleites, in all our Indy Rocking, coffee drinking, bike riding, recycling, Prius driving, vintage clothes wearing, iPhone carrying ways actually fit this mold pretty well. Odd because most whom the intellectual world categorizes as existentialists are people who deny they are that. Nor are most people on the mark as to what existentialism or pessimism really is. So it goes for this town. Existentialism has called attention to the values of the individual who has sought a solution to the inescapable problems of the person confronted by an abstraction which we then nullify instead of solve. We stand for everything yet do relatively nothing about it (other than complain and criticize).

So to ye I say: Stop it. Enjoy it while we have it. ‘Cuz it’s gonna be gone again and what will you be left with? More complaining. That’s right. We’ll just switch from complaining about how warm & sunny it is to complaining about how cold & rainy it is.

We will stand for summer. We will wear dresses & shorts. We will fill the pool, and play at the park, and drink iced coffee. We will not shrink back or cower away from enjoying the beautiful works of creation & the rays that are brought to shine down on us. And if for some reason I suffer from heat stroke or something, give into my delusions brought on by spiking temperatures and you catch me complaining, I give you permission to slap me (with brotherly affection, of course).

Summer, Day 1
FujiFilm Instax Mini

Despite it’s lack of being true to tradition, it was yum.

This is 3 dashes of bitters swirled around in a brandy snifter, then add 1 chilled shot of tequila. This works best with sipping tequila, not your average college grade salt-shot-lime-feel-the-burn variety. Apparently this is called a Pink Paradise. have I mentioned that I love tequila?

This weekend was wonderful. Monday came leaving me inspired, encouraged & just downright giddy. I can’t wait to teach another workshop. Moreso, I can’t wait to see the shots the other ladies took on Saturday. Then on Sunday, I got to photograph the Baptism of a dear friend whom we’ve been praying for & getting to know for the past 3 years. It’s amazing to see the transformation that is only possible through Jesus, then get to see him publicly stand up and identify with the death, burial & resurrection of Christ. That is altogether another post. I’m hoping this week sails by, as next weekend we are heading down to Mt. Hood for a little skiing & camping get-away that’s been a long time coming. The girls can’t wait to ski in shorts. Me either.

But underneath that, it usually works like this: I get nervous and a way overly stressed out. I quickly flip tabs in the internet browser, procrastinating, avoiding doing work when I get a little bit stuck. I get incredibly distracted, worrying about things I shouldn’t really worry about, like insisting I have nothing to wear, then quickly browse Anthropology’s website ridiculously thinking some trendy outfit is somehow going to make my Workshop magically be great. I drive in my car and worry that people actually signed up for this thing, peeps I don’t actually know, for heaven’s sake, and that they’ll think I’m way lame in real life. I worry that I should have gotten a haircut and worry how much it sucks that all this stress has made my face break out like I’m some 15yr old nervous about going to the prom. And then I bite my nails.

Sometimes I stop myself. From dreaming. From going out on a limb and trying new things. Because making reality out of what I am dreaming and hoping sets me up for having to follow through with accountability, which then leads to the chance of failure. Often times just thinking about the potential failure scares me to a point where I lay in bed at night and thoughts roll around, those worst-case-scenario, I’m not good enough, I don’t have enough experience, what the heck am I thinking? kind of thoughts. On the level of principality, I know (in my head) how much more we learn from making mistakes. But in my heart, I really don’t want to have to walk into the discomfort and endurance it takes to work through actually doing it. Ridiculous, I know, to limit myself from even trying by being too worried about what it takes to try that psych myself out enough that right there I fail to allow myself to even do anything. I really don’t want to be a gal who limited herself by her own lack of experiencing perseverance and remained limited by her perceptions other people’s estimations of what was possible.

So it takes me a bit to get the ball rolling. Then once I get the ball rolling, I severely doubt what the heck I am doing. I’ll likely ask for your opinion, then argue with you about it. Because I have already over-analyzed every conceivable angle, argument, counter-argument and line of reasoning. But here’s the kicker…I’m arguing because I WANT YOU TO CONVINCE ME. Most of the time, I’m already so riddled with doubt, I’m feeling bleh about a situation and wondering what the heck I have gotten myself into. I’ve unconvinced myself. I need help deciding what I should do. No, really more why I should do. So I’ll ask. Then you’ll give your input. Then I’ll ask why. Give me reasons! Defend your stance! Persuade me! It’s not good enough to provide one line answers, or generalizations, or that it’s ‘good’ (I hate being told it’s good). Because I’ve already gone through them all in my head, and I want it to be more than just good enough, it needs to be the better, most supported possible answer out of a myriad of generally mediocre answers and I need help getting there. Even when it comes down to the wire, the 89th minute heading into stoppage time, I’m still doubting.

I know Saturday morning I will wake up before my alarm. And still feel like I’m going to be late. I’ll fear everyone will know that I don’t really have it together. My confidence will nosedive. I’ll regret that I didn’t put on that 6th extra layer of deodorant. But I also know it will all be just fine. They day will be really fun. Everything I’ve worked on will fall into place. The small stuff won’t be the huge deals I make them out to be in my head. Moreso, I’ll get to know new, just incredible people. I’ll get to teach them something they will be incredibly excited about learning. They will walk away feeling inspired, having inhibiting walls torn down, gaining new understanding. I love to teach. I love photography. Love it. You’d think I wouldn’t have anything to worry about, right? Right….?

I can’t think of many better ways to spend this dreary, cold & wet Father’s Day than gathered in the kitchen awaiting the ding of the oven’s timer to serve Matt more of what we’ve just made up. The girls eagerly await his reaction, eager to see just how much he is enjoying what they have made. As if every scoop of flour, bit of chocolate or minute it spent baking was so potently laced with their Love that he couldn’t help being so overwhelmed with the utter tastiness it adds to the recipe. Just because they made it for him. And he shows them how much it does mean to him, in the bites he takes of our food and so many other ways, mostly the subtle ways  I notice  of what it means for him to be a Father to these girls. Small gestures and mannerisms towards his daughters that only their Father can have with them. Like this morning the way his warm hand rested on Tallis’s blond head as he knelt over to explain something to her. It made me realize how much I long for the girls to see an appreciate his role in their lives. I know as they grow the small things, the regularities they take for granted, will become more noticeable to them. Like the way that he greets all of us when he comes home, the fun and play of our family life. Giving us the full breadth of what he’s got, he’s inspired to love us better each and every day to continue to change, to provide, to do more, to do less, to embrace genuinely knowing us better, to constantly be leading us through all of the everyday blessings & toil we share. I am so very grateful for who this man is. So if something as simple and small as baking can make him feel just a bit more appreciated, then gladly, I will bake to his heart’s content.

Happy Father’s Day, Babe… and Happy Father’s Day to all the dad’s, grandpa’s and pops-to-be out there!