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This morning my eyes and snot-stained pillow bear witness to a very late night of blubbery sobbing. The breaking of my sin, digging up the heaps of crap buried under years of regret and keeping old feelings in darkness, the putting it to death of emotional tendencies clenched in stone-cold hands used as weapons against the one I love and am supposed to be one with, having my wickedness and hurtful actions exposed– it’s painful. But it’s also joyful. Joyful because even though I’d really rather not feel the sting of my wretchedness, would rather be defensive and accusational and protect myself- there would be no victory apart from allowing Jesus to bear the full weight of what I have done. It would still be there, lurking, stewing and driving a wedge in this relationship. I WANT it to be gone, to be completely taken away. I WANT freedom from my identity in that, from the dark stains and pain it smears all over me and him. There is no possibility of that apart from the finished work of Christ on the cross, regardless of how we deceive ourselves there might be alternatives (like moving on, or water under the bridge, or self-actualizing into a better person, or getting over it, or working off karma by doing some ‘good’ stuff, or any other crap like that). The hurt is real. The feelings are valid. They won’t go away and will continue to fester if undealt with. I can’t do anything to escape it for myself. I can’t make the past not affect the present. Apart from Christ I’m stuck and drowning and incapable. It’s a miracle to be transformed and be freed to grow in intimacy that is otherwise impossible when ensnared in the inescapable, perpetual cycle of sin and hurt in relationships. So despite the suffering of last night’s intensity, his mercies are new each morning. He does all the work, we simply have the opportunity to now walk in faith he has taken the burden and demonstrated his faithfulness to us by filling us with more of himself. This morning was the first morning in about a month I have been able to get out of bed when Matt got up and the fatigue has not been so paralyzing I’m physically unable to move or be conscious enough to wake up until at least 9:30am regardless of the time we went to bed. (See? Having Adrenal Glands producing the correct amount of hormones are important.) It’s a small victory, but it’s God’s, as there is no way I can muster up enough energy to claim any part in being able to do that for myself. I’ll take the swollen eyes today and praise him for the work he did in me last night. He turns even agony into his glory.

{I really love this image on the left. It’s magically imperfect- not quite in focus, a bit off center. But emotionally it tugs at something– something magical about waking up to a snow day, the residue of making a snow angel stuck to her hat simply epitomizes that childhood fun}

We are ending the year on an extra note of thanksgiving, celebration & joy that has come out of a bit of suffering. On Thursday of this week, Matt had an accident when his Skillsaw caught on his pant leg, torquing the blade into his thigh. We spend all day at the ER getting him stitched up. In a moment where all fear, anxiety and emotion could have burst forth, there was peace, care & calm. Yes, it was nearly the most serious injury either of us have faced, but through it the evidence of God’s protection, providence & hand in caring for us through his injury has been so much more evident than the what-if’s. Even the Doctors were amazed at Matt’s calm demeanor. One doc is convinced Matt should give up the Architecture/Construction gig & go back to school to become a doctor. Apparently most people with a laceration as bad as his & the circumstances completely freak out, thinking they are going to loose their leg or something. But of all places to sustain an injury like that, the outside of the quad has few major arteries, and while he cut down into the muscle, it didn’t cut all the way through and it didn’t cut into the bone. We are very aware it could have been so much worse. But God has protected us. He placed his people and situations to surround us through this– from Matt’s parents being in town, to the random lady buying something off of us via Craigslist who happened to be at our house at the exact moment Matt cut himself and happened to be an ER nurse, to the responding paramedic being a guy we know from our church, to the other Doctor who attended Matt being a Christian, to our friends who’ve brought meals & visited, to support and well-wishes through Facebook/Twitter… The list goes on. Far too much when added together to be just random coincidence. There was never a moment where I felt I was about to freak out, never that twinge of your heart hitting your stomach. It was so evident God was going to care for us through this.

And in the aftermath, we have had two very slow, enjoyable days. I really can’t remember the last time the only thing we had to do was relax and take it easy. Matt is pretty immobile, and in quite a bit of pain likely through the first week. He’ll be on crutches for near a month and is looking at the next few weeks of seriously having to modify his plans & schedule. But man, so far it has been the best little break we’ve had. I have really just enjoyed the past few days of togetherness, caring for one another & having no pressing distractions pulling us away. Not in a morbid way, because his injury really does suck and I don’t want to downplay it, but the end of this year has been quite delightful.

So welcome, 2011. We’re looking forward to the hope and upswing you will bring.

KIDS ~ WANT

Araiya helped me with this list. The number 1 thing she wanted was ice skates and the number 1 thing she thought other kids would want was How to Train Your Dragon movie.

• Edible Gold Star Sprinkles :: These would be so festive & fun for Holiday baking!
• Smart Gear Balance Bikes :: Our girls each have one of these & ride them ALL the time (and don’t worry, they come in other colors). There are many other wooden balance bike companies out there, I decided on these for the reasonable price & quality of construction.
• West Elm Snow Globes :: Tallis has been wanting a snow globe, but they all seem to be so kitschy, but these ones are not only beautiful in their simplicity, they also exude a sort of magic I haven’t found in a lot of other options we’ve seen.
• Roller Skates / Ice Skates :: Araiya wants Ice Skates. I love imagining her getting to skate around a frozen pond in a pair of white classic figure skates. But for practicality, we threw in some vintage-style roller skates as well for those of us who, like us, don’t live in a place where ponds actually freeze.
• Colorforms set :: Classic design, right here.
• Fischer Price ViewMaster :: I love the nostalgia of toys I played with making a resurgence, especially ones with such a tactile style of play.
• How to Train Your Dragon DVD :: I’ll admit our girls watch this movie FAR more than they ought too. But to be perfectly honest, it is such a great movie that we all love it.
• Maharam Memory Game :: Another classic game that we never outgrow. Araiya is a master at memory. This set uses classic Modern textile designs from the mid-century designers as matchable patterns.
• EuroSled :: This seems very Scandinavian to me, like I could stick all 3 of my kids on it and use it as a mode of transportation down snow-covered sidewalks.

KIDS ~ WEAR

Growing up I always got clothes for Christmas. Opening the box was anticipation of having either to have a fake-it-til-you-make-it reaction of  genuine liking it’s contents or being pleasantly surprised in the actual wearability of the gift. However, with the above options, most of which I would actually want to wear, I figure you can’t go wrong.

• House Shoes :: Something warm & snuggly to hang out in. Plus they come in hot pink.
• Patagonia Fleece Mittens :: We have several pairs of these and they are hands down awesome (pun intended). From the great colors to the tight elastic that helps them stay on little hands, these are the best winter mittens we’ve found.
• CrewCuts :: Anything from the mini version of J. Crew apparel, Crew Cuts, is sure to please. One of the only well-tailored children’s clothing stores making classically styled yet youthful digs. My favorite kid’s clothes source at fairly reasonable prices (though I shop only their sale section) and everything we have ever bought here has been amazing quality, fit and look.
• Patagonia Down Jackets :: We spend so much time in the snow & cold I know exactly how important it is for kids to have appropriate gear to help them stay warm, dry & comfortable. Of course looking good doesn’t hurt either.
• Kid’s Wool Fingerless Gloves :: Another Araiya pick. She envisions having a pair of these to play at the park in, but they must be pink. Lots of beautiful selections on Etsy.
• Sparkly Tom’s Kid’s Shoes :: Tom’s are awesome. With your shoe purchase, you not only outfit the recipient of your gift with a pair of adorable shoes, but another pair goes globally to a child in need. I love being able to support a company with an amazing, giving business model working to do good and provide where it is desperately needed.
• Rumba Watch :: Our girls have been learning to tell time and think obviously having a watch will help with that endeavor. But it’s really hard to find a kid’s watch without some licensed character or hodge-podge of primary colors swirled all over it. These silicone digital watches are simple enough for a kid to read and stylish enough for everyone.

KIDS ~ NEED

The Need category is always a challenging one. Sure, my kid’s ‘need’ some new socks, but what a boring gift to open up. Hopefully these choices spur some new excitement into getting practical gifts.

• Modern Wooden Advent Calendar :: I’ve been looking for a nice, modern advent calendar we can reuse and refill year after year. Boy are they hard to come by. This one caught my eye a simple, clean and cute.
• Bern 4-season Helmet :: Between the bikes, roller skates, ice skates & skiing, Lids on Kids is super important. Our girls know helmets are a must and we just picked up Araiya this bubblegum pink one for ski season. This one has interchangeable liners to use year round- one that keeps them warm and one to vent for cooling. We’re loving this helmet!
• Ruffled Shower Curtain :: What could be more practical than a shower curtain? Given we’re in the middle of a remodel and needing to put the kid’s bathroom back together soon, I came across this one from Urban Outfitter’s. Not your typical shower curtain, it surely would add some girly flair to our house without being OVERLY girly.
• Feterie Personalized Lunchbox :: For those of us looking in the not-so-far-away future of starting school, packing a lunch everyday is right around the corner. I love these personalized metal lunch boxes they’re sure to not mix up in the hoard of plastic ones that all look the same.
• Chalk Board Paint :: I’ve always dreamed of painting a wall with magnetic chalkboard paint to fill with doodles & notes & lists.
• Party People Chopstick Set :: We got a few sets of these to give out in goodie at Araiya’s Birthday Party (at a sushi restaurant). Our girls use these all the time at home now. The colors are fun, they’re reusable, easy to clean and super functional for even the smallest hands.
• Hi-Di-Hi ClickBaggie Maxi Plus :: A modern schoolbag with lots of storage, pockets, a reflector stripe for safety- the ultimate gear for getting them, and their hoards of stuff, to school & back. Super cute too!!

KIDS ~ READ

Our girls love to read (or, rather, be read to) and Araiya is just starting to be able to read on her own. They also love longer stories we can go through together a chapter at a time. So I have tried to include something for everyone. All titles are available through Amazon or other bookstores, so I didn’t include links.

• the Story of the World by Susan Wise Bauer :: A series of books and workbooks providing a read-aloud narrative of world history. This series is fantastic, we’ve only scratched the surface of the text on ancient times. These present history in small chunks, and is written in an engaging, story-like manner without dry subject matter is “watered down”, introducing the facts and terminology that are relevant to the subject in such a rich, imaginative way bringing history to life.
• Junie B. Jones by Barbara Park :: Classic and fun. These are a light, entertaining set of stories sure to keep kids engaged and enjoying reading together. I look forward to the day they are reading these on their own!
• Children Make Terrible Pets by Peter Brown :: Beautifully illustrated. Simple and funny twist on kids and pets that makes us laugh out loud.
• Doodle All Year :: Part of the Doodle Book series, these imaginative and interactive coloring books provide very open-ended suggestions for what to draw, complete or create on each page. Araiya got this for her Birthday and LOVES it! I feel it allows her to be very free and creative while making her think and problem solve at the same time.
• How to Train Your Dragon by Cressida Cowell :: So we’ve seen the movie (like 50 times), now I want to read the girls the book.
• BOB Books :: Awesome little readers for the learning to read crowd. I like how these organize and present the material without being boring or too ’school-like’ with doing formal lessons. These allow Araiya to feel more independent in her reading as these are super intuitive and there’s not much direction for the parents to give, so I’m not telling her what to do most of the time.
• The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis :: Another instance where we watched the movie before reading the book. I’d love to read through the entire series with the girls.
• The Princess Bride by William Goldman & S. Morganstern :: One of my favorite movies, the book expands so much more yet they’ve done such a wonderful job following the movie so closely with the text, the book (although really long) is easy to read and keep the girls engaged because they have the knowledge of the storyline and characters already in their heads from enjoying the movie.

WANT ~ ADULTS

I think because we are steeped in Remodeling and have no kitchen, there is an underlaying theme of food and goodies for my want list. It’s really hard to do Christmas Cookies & baking without an oven, and of course that is one thing that really puts me in the Holiday Mood. Bummer.

• Uncommon Custom iPhone Case :: I’ve had these on my watch list for a while and have been figuring out how to incorporate them into my photography biz as a product offering. These impact-resistant polymer cases are thermally printed with an image you upload, so can be completely one-of-a-kind.
• Sparkles Kitchen French Macaroons :: Beautiful AND Edible? Yes please. Macaroons are so cute, and these come in so many different choices shipped right to you. I mean, seriously- that grey is just perfect.
• Cast Iron Fondue Pot :: We have a long standing love of Fondue. Cheese, oil, chocolate, broth- it’s all good. When we first got married we purchased a very cheap fondue pot, which has since met it’s demise. It’s time for something that can hold up and last, but doesn’t cost hundreds of bones. This affordable one from Crate & Barrel caught my eye.
• Desert Decorator Pro :: Minimize the mess in the Kitchen trying to decorate cookies & frost cakes. Made of stainless steel and designed for one handed use. Way better than trying to fill, use and clean a bag, if you ask me.
• Beverage Dispenser :: I looked and looked for one of these last summer, but all I could find was acrylic (not glass) or a very poorly designed spigot. I spotted this one in Crate & Barrel’s storefront a few weeks ago and it’s perfect. Stainless steel & glass- two of the most perfect modernist materials.
• Whimsey & Spice :: Brooklyn, NY baker married to a graphic designer- together they create, photograph and package beautiful baked goods right to your door. Cardamon or Espresso Hand-Crafted Marshmallows? Um, YUM?!?
• The Double Shot Camera :: As a Film Photographer, I know I have a limited number of shots on each roll. I love shooting the fun randomness of our family adventures and these adorable little cameras get double the bang for the buck but putting two shots in one frame of 35mm film. So instead of taking the usual 36 expsures, you get a whopping 72 shots per roll.

ADULTS ~ WEAR

Another difficult category for me. I actually really loath shopping for clothes & accessories, especially for myself. However, I often come across stuff that is so awesome it makes it onto my lust list.

• Patagonia Down Sweater :: This weekend I lead on snow clinics up at the ski hill all day, both days. It was darn cold and Sunday night I just could not warm up even after we got home. So these 800-fill down jackets were officially put on this list. Can’t beat a very good looking, lightweight insulation layer (or outerwear) in such awesome colors.
• Tom’s Shoes (for him & her) :: They’re simple. comfy and responsible. Get one, give one.
• Nervous System Jewelry :: A design studio using computational design and digital fabrication techniques employing patterns and processes found in nature to create wearable works of art. These have been on my list for quite a while. Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, but silicone and stainless steel are way cooler.
• Sorel Caribou Snow Boots (for him & her) :: There’s nothing better than the classics. I grew up in Sorel’s and it’s awesome to see they are still making the same hard-wearing boots at the same high quality they are famous for. Good design works, and it never goes out of style.
• Uniform Natural Scarf Shop :: I’ve been following Martha from Uniform Studio for years. Not only is she an architect & arch. professor, she utilizes the fundamentals of design and structures an applies them to fabric. These scarves are hand dyed and hand-made. I am in love with the mustard and all shades of grey. She also just released a series of wool jersey scarves. Beautiful!
• O’Clock Watch :: Who couldn’t use an awesome, minimal, analog watch?
• House Shoes :: Glorified slippers. Only way cooler.
• Glove-Mittens :: A bit classic, a bit industrial, a bit warm, a bit functional. Once I owned a pair of wool glove-mittens and they were the most awesome thing on the planet. Then they disappeared and I was sad.

ADULTS ~ NEED

So the last time we were at Costco before letting our membership expire, I asked Matt to go grab himself some new underwear. It wasn’t until we got home & was unpacking we noticed he had bought XXL’s, so while it’s very likely he’ll be finding himself some new boxer-brief’s under the tree this year. In addition, here are some other (more exciting) choices in the Needs category.

• 4th Amendment Underwear :: State your rights. Let them know they’re spying at the privates of a private citizen. Great for those who fly frequently, get them these Undies printed in Metallic ink stating The Fourth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, meant to prevent unwarranted search and seizure, which is readable on TSA body scanners.
• Classic Clock :: I love this simple, bold san-serif typefaced clock. I think it would be perfect for the Kitchen and helping kids learn to tell time on an analog clock, as it can be read clearly and has a separate seconds hand.
• Simple iPad Sleeve :: I love industrial Felt. I also love my iPad, which I frequently toss into another bag to carry it along for reading, emailing & writing. It could be far more protected living in this minimalist grey sleeve.
• Crane Yellow Desk Lamp :: I’ve had my eye on this table-top lighting for the bedroom, though it’d be perfect for an office, living room- whatever. A great blend of 1940’s industrial modern and the perfect shade of mustard.
• Neutra Mail Box :: The previous owners had slapped a cheap metal box onto our front door. It wasn’t until after we moved in we realized not only was the lid broken, they had spray painted a shiny brass mailbox silver. Somehow we’ve put up with that POS for over 3 years, and it is in desperate need of replacing. The NeutraBox, which is hand-crafted and built to last, not to mention looks incredible, would be an amazing upgrade.
• Go-Cart Carbon Desk :: We refer to our office as the Sensory Deprivation Room- it gets filled with all the hand-me-downs, slightly broken and McGyvered furnishings. Currently my desk is an old door board we found in the attic and we are planning to update this room so it can function as a better office/study and a guest bedroom. This affordable powder-coated steel table on casters fits the bill perfectly to roll out of the way when we have overnight guests.
• Apple Magic Mouse :: Ok, I confess: I steal Matt’s all the time. I’m sure he’d really appreciate if I had one too. So would Apple’s stockholder’s.
• Kitchen Conversions Tea Towel by SweetFineDay :: Not too long ago our washing machine ate a sock, which took several days to diagnose and fix. Meanwhile, all my kitchen towels & hand towels grew all kinds of ick, so rather than attempt salvaging them, I threw them away. Perfect excuse for some new ones, like this beautifully designed Tea Towel with handy unit conversions for the baker.

ADULTS ~ READ

A few titles that have been living in our Amazon WishList this year:

• Amsterdam: Made by Hand by Pia Jane Bijkerk
• Paris: Made by Hand by Pia Jane Bijkerk
• Freakanomics
• Super Natural Cooking by Heidi Swanson
• The Art of the American Snapshot
• Buildings Without Architects
• House Form and Culture
• Design Like You Give a Damn
• Flying Apron’s Gluten-Free & Vegan Baking Book by Jennifer Katzinger

And we are excited for what it brings to the mountains!

Yes, Seattle’s November was a full spectrum of weather- Sun, Rain, even Snow. I love it all.

Yea, right.

Let’s be really clear here- we have two heads. I’d like to think after nearly 8 years of marriage we have made some headway on this whole Oneness thing. But I realize that is so not the case in some areas. We are very much two in how & what we think, how we process and how much we assume the other just gets it. Until the other person stares at you blankly like they don’t get it at all (or rather, like you just don’t get it at all). Most of the ‘design’ (in the fluffy aesthetic, borderline decorating sense) is in MY head. Most of the details, construction, project managing, working out all the problems we unearth– that’s in HIS head. Which is fine, and it works out great because those are areas we are each very strong in. Until we have to attempt this oneness thing and make things in our heads happen in real life, actually work, be affordable and both be happy about the decision. I call it ‘being on the same page’ and think we need to get to that point of consensus within our decision making. It’s ridiculous really. I think somehow he is supposed to be able to download his ideas & solutions so I can upload, process and dialogue back to a point of warm, fuzzy, happy agreement. And visa versa. But there is this little thing called communication. Sometimes it seems like the AirPort signal strength of our Capital ‘C’ Communication is constantly struggling to get a good enough connection. I think we assume other people share the same point of view and agree with us, until it is exposed they don’t agree at all. In Natalie world, through Natalie’s lens, it’s going to look like this, and work like this, and be installed like this. And Matt totally gets that all and thinks the same way and wants all that too. All the other parts of the house I’m working on now– well, not actually working but planning in my mind– are exciting and awesome until that breakdown in communication is flushed out by the part where me and Matt don’t get each other and we’re fighting over the stupid showerhead. Because obviously we aren’t on the same page at all when he is yelling at me that he really doesn’t care and would be fine taking a shower out of a plastic bag in the woods and I’m yelling back at him that he’s ridiculous and has to have an opinion on the difference between shower head flow strengths as strong as mine. Yea. Obviously we have differing ideas of what a Master Walk-in Shower should be like. He says “Rain Shower System” and what comes to my mind is something totally different than what is in his mind. He assumes what we talked about doing is X, because we were only talking about the shower head that squirts water out, so he has the shower plumbed for X, which is a basic valve to turn water on and off to the shower head. When in my mind we are doing Y, because he was talking about a system, which includes features like thermostatic, pressure control valves, dual flow, multiple features and a hand sprayer that can all squirt water at the same time. And now the copper piping in there isn’t plumbed correctly because the plumber dudes assumed we weren’t doing anything fancy because no one told them otherwise. And don’t get me started on the fact the drain in plumbed in the MIDDLE of the shower. And how could he NOT know about my phobia of stepping on drains?

Ridiculous. (I say that with all the Jim Gaffigan I can muster)

I’m thankful that I can look back and jest at myself. Showerheads are not hills to die on and I don’t mean to dwell on an episode of our marriage and this project I’d rather not remember that fondly. Good to know to friends who have been working here on the house got to hear the whole thing. You can berate me for being a quarrelsome wife, because I am. I’m stubborn and opinionated and want to be heard, even if that means I lash out at other people. The showerhead was simply an object that served as a detonator to the fact we have been simply missing the mark with each other and having a communication breakdown, exasperated by stresses surrounding the fact our house is currently in shambles AND our car broke down over the weekend to top off the level of craziness that is our life right now. This is just overall a really hard season. It’s a sign we both crossed the line into the ‘I’m over it’ phase of remodeling. It happens usually twice in a project- right in the Slow Going middle where things get hung up a little through mistakes and oversights being exposed, then once again in the final finishing phase where it seems the project is never going to be ‘really’ done. Congratulations, we may have just gotten through that first major low point. Though I have to say I did wake up this morning not only refreshed with a better outlook on the whole project and very glad to have worked through the whole shower issue having decided on a more robust system (sadly will include a bit of re-plumbing) so thankful finally we agree on what to do (and it’s not just me getting my way). Also I woke up really wanting to bake Cookies & go all gung-ho decorating the house for Christmas, two things which are nearly impossible with no kitchen & very little ability to actually decorate anything, given the entire kitchen, dining room & living room are in the same space. Likely that is a tendency to want escape from Crazy Life, like perhaps the false savior of Gingerbread is going to make it all better. However, reality is I’m not exactly sure where we would even put a tree, let alone any other silly ‘decor’ items I could acquire. Across the boards we just need to modify a bit & make some compromises. It’s tempting to just get a small, tabletop fake (preferably vintage white) Christmas Tree for this year, giving up the big hoopla of tromping through the woods to cut one down. Maybe it’s just not realistic to accomplish everything to the extreme my perfectionist tendencies would like. I’m learning how to be more flexible than I am naturally inclined to be, and situational stresses which oppose my desires & expectations are perfect breeding grounds for growth & change. I did break down and ordered a wreath with my Amazon Fresh this morning as well as dream about how awesome it will be to take a shower in the new Master Bath when it’s done.

Yes, the house has a ton of potential. Honestly, the changes we are making are small, simple & smart. It will make huge changes to how the house functions, flows and looks. We are doing a ton for a very small sum, in the big scheme of things. Two new bathrooms. New kitchen. New dining room. New furnace & duct work. New plumbing. Overall we benefit from fixing everyone else’s mistakes because it offers a blank slate we both get to pare back and add on to. Originally we thought we would do the bigger ticket items in stages- one bathroom, then the next, then the kitchen- all while living around the work. But sometimes other people’s stupid mistakes change things for both the worse & the better all at the same time. The only permit pulled for the house in the past 20 years was by a landscape crew hired by the most recent previous owners who replaced the rockery in front of the house (which is hideous, btw). They started the work without a permit. Then broke the water main. Then were forced to not only get a permit, pay a fine, but to also replace the incoming waterline from the street to the main branch inside the house with new copper pipe. A good thing, as one would usually expect that water main to be old & weak, only they hooked it up that shiny new copper to an old existing galvanized pipe without the proper coupling, causing the new copper to corrode all the way back to the shut-off valve. Long story short, we didn’t know the extent of corrosion until getting plumbing bids & it forced us to re-evaluate the course of action for re-plumbing the entire house. The smartest move was to tear it all out & plumb in all new stuff in one fell swoop.

The plumber said it would take him 2-3 days but he would have to have the water shut off the entire time. So we decided to crash with some friends for a few days while there would be no water and no bathroom and no kitchen.

But then it took him 6, with a weekend in there. And the subfloor in one of the bathrooms was rotted out & slanting sideways, in need of repair and leveling before laying new tile, new drywall & expanding the square footage. So it’s been 2 weeks we’ve been ‘crashing’ with friends. And we still have no bathrooms. Or kitchen.

But so much has happened to this old house in that timeframe. Really, despite my frustration with feeling far more displaced than I anticipated, a lot has gotten done I wouldn’t have imagined would have gone so quickly: We tore out a hideous fireplace, which we’ve had covered up with a piece of masonite & never used. Along with that came up several layers of tile, brick & an ugly hearth allowing us to recapture about 5′ of space in the dining room. Up came all the hardwood floors back there, which had been damaged by a fire escaping said fireplace & covered up by said tile. The hardwoods were nailed down with fat framing nails, so unfortunately couldn’t be salvaged. Up came the horrible linoleum tiles in the kitchen, which were peeling up in the corners and had been laid upon layers of older linoleum, plywood & patches of other flooring. All the subfloor in the kitchen had to be replaced & leveled, now it awaits new black slate tile. The drywall in the dining room has been torn off, revealing one of the bad additions and much to our surprise, the walls are framed for both a door behind the fireplace (where we have plans to put a door out onto the back deck) and a large window in nearly the exact same dimensions as the window we bought to put there, opening the entire back of the house visually to the backyard. Oddly, someone, somewhere along the line, decided to make the window openings smaller, go figure. Same thing between the kitchen & living room, where we have had a tiny 30″ opening we have opened up to create a more fluid floorplan and discovered a big header framing in what used to be a pocket door, saving us from having to completely reframe three of these walls. The kitchen will get an overhaul, adding tons of new cabinets and countertop on both sides, opposed to the one small strip we have had with it’s measly 2 square feet of usable counter space. We have also found a home for the refrigerator by taking out an unreinforced 3 story masonry chimney, imploded in on itself by knocking brick by brick from the top down with pneumatic hammer in about 3 hours. Both bathrooms were side-by-side, one with a 21″ door the other 25″. One has been closed off from the living room, increased in size reclaiming some wasted space at the base of the stairs into the attic & it’s entrance changed to become a master bathroom. It will sport a double vanity, new potty & large walk-in shower, a piece of the remodel & am personally very excited to take advantage of.

Big picture- some amazing changes will transform our house and the way we live in it. Of course, all remodels have their setbacks, their frustrations, their constraints. Right now the only thing inhibiting us from moving back in and living in meager existence in the house is needing to install a new toilet & sink in one of the bathrooms- An endeavor suffering numerous setbacks from a gas leak to the pukey flu. Trial that expose my desire to skip to the end, wanting things to just be DONE & lacking in long endurance when things don’t go as neatly as planned. Our house is literally torn apart, not a single space has eluded being affected by the work. Everything, I mean EVERYTHING is covered in a thick layer of demo & drywall dust. It’s crazy to walk through the space & realize nearly half the house is stripped down to an odd hodge-podge of raw studs- some dull & old, some fresh & new. Yes, we will attempt to live there sans kitchen, sans flooring, sans electricity in half the house with a ton of work needing attention. Living in chaos is not new to me. We’ve been through several remodels, both in our house & others we have worked on. The girls seem to be far more adapt than I am proving to be. I doubt right now my ability to decide it is actually a wise idea to expect to live in the space as it is right now with things coming back together as slowly as they are. It seems I am the least able to go-with-the-flow. Matt says he would be fine living there without a bathroom and he’s already proven he’s fine to pee in the girls’ little potty. I, on the other hand, would die of toxicity from constipation. But really, I SAY I can roll with all the crazies this kind of stuff brings on, even in the face of the facts our timeline is not moving forward as we thought it would my control freakish tendencies rear their ugly heads. A lesson in humility, dependence & receiving grace. Things get thrown off, that is to be expected. It’s always hard right in the middle of the race to imagine ever having the finish line in sight and far too easy to get dismayed you’ll never finish. But what did I really expect? Honestly I think it has been best to hammer it out even if it means displacement & a season of uncertainty.

I know what lies at the other end (we did, after all, pick out all the finishes, hardware & design elements currently sitting in boxes awaiting install). And I await in eager anticipation being able to actually USE them. Ah yes, that amazing 36″ rectangular stainless steel undermount kitchen sink that will make my dish-doing experience SO much more efficient. That’s all just waiting for me… as soon as we install slate, cabinets, fabricate door fronts, pour a concrete countertop, mud & texture walls, paint and move all our kitchen gadgets back out of boxes stacked in the nursery… you know how it goes.